If you're picking a guy based on the logic of who's funniest drunk, my vote's Sturge. Hands down.
"I have very little patience for dramatic mopey men, just like I have no tolerance for people who cannot get past the fact that they were once gifted children."
I am both those people. But I'll refrain from getting too upset over it.
i want to be sarah brown when i grow up. for real.
The Spanish Inquisition!!!
(I'm sure that's what it was)
Atticus Leguizamo. I like the ring of that. The name is bestowed upon my second-born.
If you're looking for a Founding Father crush, check into William Whipple. He made his fortune at sea, totally signed the Declaration of Independence, kicked the Brits out of Rhode Island without any help from the French (unlike nancy-boy Geo. Wash.), and was known for being a fair but stolid disciplinarian at the Continental Congress (trans.: kinky in the bedroom). In his waning days he was appointed a tax collector, but hated it and resigned due to "strictures in the breast" ... so if he didn't call you the next day, at least you know he'd come up with a great quotable excuse to share on your blog. Yep, Bill Whipple's your bewigged boyfriend for sure.
i'm going to stop using ten dollar bills, effective immediately.
re: "but at 20, I’d already dated Holden Caulfield a few times and was sick of his shit."
sb, I love you.
I can't help but imagine Atticus Leguizamo as being split down the middle, like Two-Face, and the two halves are just constantly slapping each other.
I have a T-Shirt that says:
"Holden Caufield is a whiny bitch."
I fell in love with James K. Polk because of the They Might Be Giants song. IS that wrong?
M.
I don't see what's so great about being able to read at an 8th grade level in the 2nd grade. You totally couldn't relate to "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" anyway.
I'm all for any post that uses the word "trim".
chelle - i hope you are serious about having a t-shirt that says "holden caulfield is a whiny bitch," and if you are, you will share with me where you got it.
that being said, i did enjoy "esme" and "pretty mouth and green my eyes"
Aw, Sarah, let me say it in the most basic way: sometimes you just make me feel better.
sarah brown, run away with me.
You have to check out the photos in the Conor Oberst link. There are swans in the background.
As someone else who read at an 8th grade level in the 2nd grade, if that's all you have to brag about, you've had a pretty sad life.
Oooh, here's The Dream Couple:
Alexander Hamilton + Conor Oberst = Holden Caulfield
Fuck ya! I HATE, HATE HATE HATE HATE Bright Eyes, I want to punch that guy over and over. "Oh I will give you something to be sad about!" He could probably kick my ass in non-internet land.
You weren't kidding about hoodie-clad trim (via google): http://www.ovarian-ovation.com/images/conor.jpg
SB, you are my hero on a consistent and wonderful basis. XO.
To heck with precocious, I would have gotten up and walked away from the table as soon as he used the word rather as an adverb.
Yes that always makes me feel "rather" nauseated.
Leigh,
I made it myself since it is the only good t-shirt idea I have ever had.
You can go to a variety of websites to make your own. I'm a sharing kind of girl. I would prefer that we spread the message that no one has to be that fucking depressed.
Mine is a baseball style girl shirt with dark green sleeves, white background and black lettering in some font I'm not geek enough to remember. I think it cost me $20 to make.
Create away.
M.
If your blog was a book, half of this entry would be underlined. About three times. With annotations. You know, in a totally non-geeky way.
Thank GOD I am not the only person who loathes Bright Eyes.
My intense dislike of that band (and that dude's terrible terrible voice) is only made worse by the fact that I live in Disillusioned Emo White Boy Central. I wish I was joking.
P.S. Love your blog.
Holden Caulfield is a douchebag!
There, I said it, I feel better.
I think I was the only teenager in the world who did not read Catcher in the Rye. Why me!? WHY!?
I am 28 and I never read Catcher in the Rye for EXACTLY the reasons you stated. I always feel a little bit like a rebel for not having read it.
And when I was younger I totally had a crush on William H. Taft - just cuz he was the phattest prez, literally. Does that make me a chubby chaser?
Girl, I gets more ass than all y'all fictional bitchez and Revolutionary War mofos. Best of both worlds right here, ladies. Now line the fuck up.
Holy crap, Chris M, that's all awesome to know about William Whipple, because supposedly he is my great-great-great x 18 or whatever grandfather or uncle or something. And the only part I knew was the Declaration of Independence signature. I'm totally calling in sick to work tomorrow with "strictures in the breast". (I'm sure it's hereditary.)
Sarah B, are you on the 'Quil again? What a rambler! Still awesome, tho.
I read "Catcher in the Rye" when I was fifteen and thought it sucked then, so I don't think it matters when you read it.
And I also agree with that bit about Conor Oberst. Blark!
I read "Catcher in the Rye" in the sixth-grade and I thought it was great. I Haven't read it lately, but just thought I should show my support.
I am so in crush with your blog... This one is right up there with the "Sarah's Favorite Things" entry. I still covet your Bathroom Jesus...
Sarah, I love you blog I really do... But I gotta point out that one summer I was particularly depressed... because I was 19 in a small town finding it hard to get laid... and well... Bright Eyes was my salvation. I wore their one CD out last summer... I mean... ugh... But totally thanks for calling me out on it... But hey, its a lifestyle, just one different than yours... If you are saying that I have no prayer with women like you, this is nothing new... oh no, I know my bread and butter is with young inexperienced girls with low self esteem, quite your polar opposite.
I'm so crushed out on this blog!
Hilarious stuff, Ms. Brown, hi-f'n-larious.
I read 'Catcher in the Rye' when I was 14. Perfect age to have read it. Not sure I want to ruin my memory of it by reading it again.
Bright Eyes sucks! Did anyone see him on Austin City Limits a few months back. Yeeesh! Such a whiny voice tied to such whiny songs. I don't understand his popularity! GO AWAY!!!
My friend has a crush on Andrew Jackson, largely due to his kick ass hair. It's especially cool since they came out with the new $20, which frees his locks from the confines of the oval frame.
I don't know what you have against tormented creative geniuses, but your boyfriend had an ego that was enough to drive anyone up the walls. I, for one, was bright in Elementry, but the more I live, the more I find how little it matters. I know a handful of kids far brighter than me that just let our town grab a hold of them and tear away their spirit, which is a terrible thing to lose.
SARAH B. I'm sorry for these caps but this is THE BEST AND I MEAN MY VERY FAVORITE AND A STROKE OF GENIUS ENTRY of yours.
"And...I'm not sure but you’ve really got to be barely legal in order to make Salinger stick for a lifetime."
How true is that and have a I read everything of Salinger's? Yes. And did I get a Ph.D. in philosophy before I realized that it was SUCH bullshit? Kind of...almost. I'm so ashamed to admit it but that was the only cure for that haze.
But the worst moment occurred when my French professor told me that Houlden Caulfield was a latent homosexual.
What else to say but you redeemed yourself even if I wasn't totally drunk and you had nothing to redeem yourself for.
And everything else. Yes. And yes. And yes. (Slinks away in shame at her enthusiasm planning never to show her face around her again.)
Um...
http://www.ovarian-ovation.com/images/conor.jpg
My mom SO won't let me join that group. Girls 11-13?!!??? She's all like: "At your age, you aren't supposed to even KNOW about ovaries."
You know how moms are. They won't let you have sex with musicians in their '20s when you are 11. What a buzz kill!
OMFG. Conor Oberst. The agony! You said it, sister.
funny you should mention this, at the age of 3 i was already masterbating to tina turner's legs... i know, i know... sad. but you see, what matters here is that i, too, was a gifted youngster... and i'll be damned if i deny my talents...
Dibs on Ben Franklin. Knickers and shoe buckles are always a turn on. Sex with him for a C-note anytime. And post-coital, if he doesn't leave immediately, I can tell him to "go fly a kite".
more digital evidence that i will never, ever write nearly as well as you.
even in china, you make me all tingly. but that just might be the noodles.
eskimo
Sarah B., let's never fight again.
sarah brown, are you not the most incredible woman ever born on this planet? if you say no, you are a dirty rotten liar, which only makes you more attractive to my diseased mind
While I have reached similar conclusions about 'Catcher in the Rye' and Bright Eyes, I am saddened to hear you are turning away from our main man Alex H. He was a Christian and a gentleman (who couldn't help that women were trying to seduce him, c'mon), and in those times he had no choice but to show up at dawn in Weehawken but also to shoot into the air. He was a victim of his own bold convictions!!!
Pfft, and to think I had Alex send you those love notes from beyond the grave from Rhinebeck last winter.
Liz, you have no idea how much joy it brings me that you said "He was a victim of his own bold convictions" in my comment box.
I used to deal with John Leguiamo's assistant
so how's The Moviegoer the second time around?
Chester A. Arthur always sort of tickled my fancy. Take a look at this hottie. He sort of has that Colonel Sanders charm, and those muttonchops are to die. for. I always had a crush on this guy - especially since his nickname was "Elegant Arthur" - he was the most snazzily dressed President of his era. Hamilton doesn't hold a candle to Chet.
Okay the link didn't post. Here is my man. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chester_A._Arthur
I just finished Joyce Maynard's At Home In the World and I gather that having 'been' with Salinger when she was at the tender age of 18 was probably too old too. Guess she should have read Catcher before she dove in...
19 years of trying to figure out what women want in a guy i think ive finally given up
fuck it.
I say bring out the long, tan legs. And be glad you never got that "Alex" tattoo, tramp.
I read The Moviegoer in college, and this line has stuck with me ever since: "A rumble commenced in my bowel, heralding a tremendous defecation."
I dunno. I get just as sick of people who through around phrases like "emo boy" with a straight face and act as if everybody else's pain were just a front they put up to get your precious, precious attention. Who the hell appointed all these jaded, snarky hipster types to play Emo Police on us, telling us we're not allowed to express our feelings sincerely unless they meet with their approval? Fuck all that macho, fake-stoic bullshit. The human race is emotionally constipated and insincere enough without your help.
Don't know much about Bright Eyes, but I've heard "When the President Talks to God" and it kind of spoke to this left-wing outsider.
Sarah, I hope you are a Sarah Vowell fan and have picked up Assasination Vacation. I think you would enjoy since you have once lusted after wigged men
oh my god. i feel the exact same way about Catcher In The Rye. the . exact. same. way.
I actually read Catcher in the Rye when I was 16. You'll just have to trust me on this one. It really was not any better reading it at a young age. In fact, I was so scared, I didn't care to read any more of Salinger's work, nor do I care to read it now.
are you as sexy as you write? for god's sake i had to go hump the arm of the couch when i heard you talk shit about holden caulfield.
i linked here from doktorfrank's whatsit but don't hold him accountable for my presence. he doesn't like me any more than you do.
I read at an 8th grade level in 2nd grade...of course I was 27 yrs old at the time.
I had really crappy homeschooling.
The Moviegoer is evidence of man's highest ascent. Welcome South. Percy was a cranky democrat, brilliant beyond books.
Try Salinger at 30...interesting understandings emerge.
Someone told me once that somebody polled the American public (which somebody, and what parts of the public I don't knw) for their biggest hero, and ATTICUS FINCH WON! It's too bad I've already heard this one, because you could totally get in my pants with a line like that.