Text messages saved in my cell phone, vol. 3

You’re so NY now, B. Tapas, brunch. What’s next? Manolos and a sperm-bank baby?

Um, hello, Ator

Johnny Damon you cocksucking piece of shit traitor I will murder your family

We haue to do something about this jeep commander thing

My handwriting analysis says I’m a wife-beater.

So I’ve determind that (X)’s biography will be titled … The Legend of Bagger Douche.

“Did I tell you all about the bitch I’m suing?” – Jon, just now

Don Knotts is dead. Long live Don Knotts. So who’s still up for beers and burlesque tonight?

They were all frothin’ all along the mouth

On his birthday chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Wow. I sure am watching Ladder 49.

I AM OFFICIALLY SMOKING UPSTAIRS IN THE HOUSE AND IT IS WITH MOMS FULL CONSENT. THIS IS SO HUGE.

He’s obviously secretly gay and violently stupid.

Drunk with coworkers. Bad idea. Offered boss couch.

I am confident in my ability to keep a woman, just not a man.

Oh come on. Like I’m supposed to actually sleep with every person I trade flirty emails with? Also, I send flirty emails to YOU, and I’m suddenly remembering that I hate your guts. xoxo

I’m talking with a frenchman about Madmartigan!

You should blow work again tomorrow and come dancin with me and the mrs

Whatever, you’ll love me til the day you die.

No sersly nyc is gay.

No, but I have seen Air Bud. Same diff.

Me too, thanks for the thermometer!

OH MY GOD WHAT IS YOUR DEAL DO YOU HATE FUN OR WHAT

Girls covered in skin are HOT.

I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane! Also Dad says Kelvin Sampson’s going to Indiana.

In the sky you are!

Hurry up and get off the plane, Jay has to go number 2

I think I’ll miss you most of all, scarecrow.

6 weeks till awesome

Fuckem.